back up, back up

[Speeding Backwards, taken Summer 2005, Mississinewa Reservoir Campground]

As it turns out...
Another part of being strong is being willing to admit when you may have overreacted.

As my roommate Emily pointed out the other day, I tend to have a problem with focusing in too closely on a situation. It's hard for me to take a step back and see the big picture. As a result, I tend to convince myself that I only have one option, or that things will never change. In the past few days, I managed to view things in a broader perspective. When I did that, I found the innocence in the misunderstanding and the sincerity in the apology.

I still have some thinking to do. I make no promises, I make no guarantees. I am an uncertain person. However, I am certain about what is important to me. There are things that need to be addressed, and then we'll see what happens from there.


We're not always as right as we'd like to think we are.


So back up, back up
Take another chance...
-Colbie Caillat

my oh my [song of the week]

Well, here it is: my first official "song of the week" feature! I chose to do these on Tuesdays because that's when new albums and songs are always released in the industry. The songs I choose to spotlight will not necessarily be new, but I just wanted to parallel "the biz" somehow, mostly for my own amusement.

The song of the week is "My Oh My" by Adam Stidham/Civalias.


[Photo from www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic]

Why do I have two artists listed? I honestly don't know. I found the song in video form on the myspace page of Adam Stidham, a musician from Los Angeles. However, the video/song is listed as being by Civalias. Since Adam is the only one shown in the video, I'm assuming it's just a side project or an alias of his. Either way, Adam has a great voice, fairly unique, with that kind of older-style quality about it (or in other words, not your typical pop radio boy voice). Unfortunately, I hardly know a thing about him, and his page is not terribly helpful. I'd heard JP of We The Living mention him but had forgotten, then last week I found his myspace page by chance while clicking through profiles in a fit of boredom. (In this case, the progression was We The Living --> their manager Scott Austin --> Adam.) I listened to his songs and really liked them. His tunes are pretty mellow, but quite good. "Surprise Surprise" sounds like it would work well on Grey's Anatomy and similar tv shows. However, it was "My Oh My" which really caught my attention. I'm posting the lyrics the way I hear them, but I can't guarantee 100% accuracy. I can only find it in video format, and I've posted it here so you can see and hear for yourself. Enjoy.

I was just walking away
Not thinking about it
But you knew the right words to say

All that I wanted to do
Was go on without it
But something was stuck in my way

Forget the communication
You must be out of your mind
Don’t look for justification
There’s no more time

I don’t really wanna let you go
But something isn’t right and we both know
Maybe it was worth a try
My oh my
Oh we could take it from the start
Watch it as it all just falls apart
Nothing’s gonna make this right
My oh my
Oh my

I was alone in my car
Driving to nowhere
When I saw you out on the street

Something inside made me think
That you still belong here
And on and on it won’t let me be

Forget the communication
I must be out of my mind
I found the justification
I just need time

I don’t really wanna let you go
But something isn’t right and we both know
Maybe it was worth a try
My oh my
Oh we could take it from the start
Watch it as it all just falls apart
Nothing’s gonna make this right
My oh my
Oh my

pop pop pop

I love to watch band video blogs/webisodes/etc. It's always interesting to catch a glimpse of how some of my favorite musicians act when they're not on stage. Granted, some of them may be a little staged or pre-planned, but they're still fun to watch, and some really are how they act. I suppose they fascinate me so much because I like to know about the people behind the music, and not just the music itself. And sometimes, it's just good to see how dorky my favorite bands really are.

For instance, I woke up to this little gem this morning...
Lifehouse as carnival workers.



Bands... they're just like us!
Unless they're Lifehouse.
Then they're a whole lot weirder.

[If you've never been around them in person before, Rick doesn't usually act quite so bizarre. This is a fairly intense display of what we refer to as "Old Rick," since he used to act goofy all the time but tends to be more subdued these days. This video would happen to be an exception.]

I'll share more of my favorite band videos as time goes on. Mute Math, Guster, Phantom Planet, and We The Living all have some pretty entertaining ones floating around ze interwebs.

disclaimer for future reference

I do not have malicious intent with any entry I post.
Sometimes, I simply do not know how to deal with things.
Writing is an outlet which I have not explored much.
It is an outlet which I am now using.
If I want to write, I will write.

I am stating this because I was informed that it is in poor taste to write publicly about something when the involved party is capable of reading it. I understand this, and while I was just speaking my mind, I can see how my words about hurt and disrespect in turn could cause someone to feel hurt and disrespected.

With that being said, I am sorry if my words caused additional distress.
And with that being said, I will not take that entry down.
These are my words.
This is my right.
This is my life.

i'm not gonna write you a love song

[self-portrait, Winter 2006]

This one is for the girls. No... for the women.
The women who stand up for themselves.
The women who say no and mean it.
The women who walk away.

You can call me old-fashioned.
You can call me a prude.
You can call me whatever you want.
I don’t really care.

The only thing that matters is what I think I am.
I say I’m strong.
I say I believe in something.
I say I’m proud of it.


Long story short, I just cut off a relationship before it really started. Most would argue that it was an extreme measure to take, but sometimes, there are things that one just needs to do. He said he was sorry, and he said he never intended to make me feel the way that he did. I believe him– but that can’t change how he made me feel. When you’re made to feel cheap and disrespected, or that your only purpose is physical contact... even if that wasn’t what he intended at all (and he really didn't, he's not a bad guy), that feeling is horrible and it can’t just be shaken off.

Throughout my life, I have been hurt by people who were supposed to be close to me. For years, I let this happen to me, and I was unable or unwilling to stand up for myself. But now, I am finally at a point in my life where I will do what I need to do for me. I am so much stronger than I used to be, and I finally have to the courage to do what I did today. I am amazed at how far I’ve come in just a few years.

I’m going to catch a lot of grief for the decision I made, but I have to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. I just knew that I had to do this, so I did it. I did it for me, for my self-worth, for my sanity. It may not make sense to anyone except me, but in my mind and in my heart, I know I did the right thing.

Guys, please listen to me right now... to some of us women, even kissing is still a big deal. When we say we need to move slow, we mean it. When we say no to something, we are not really saying yes. There may not be a lot of us, but we exist, and we demand to be respected. My advice to you? Treat every girl like she could be one of us. Chances are, she’s not. But if she is, you will earn her trust and respect.

That’s all we ask.
That’s all I ask.
Please remember.


I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
-Sara Bareilles

so this is the new year...

...and I don’t feel any different.

Thank you, Death Cab for Cutie, for providing a song lyric so easily applicable to the feelings we all experience a few weeks after December turns into January. I appreciate it, as do the 78,273 other people who undoubtedly have already used it in their writings. (What? I never claimed to be original.) We are nearly three weeks in 2008, and the song rings true: I don’t feel any different. Differently, for the grammar sticklers.

This may seem like a negative way to begin my first real entry, but that’s not my intention whatsoever. I’m merely pondering. Think about it– every year, Christmas passes and the new year approaches quickly. Plans are made, parties are had, and substandard entertainment in the form of a network special is endured in order to watch a sparkly ball drop from the sky. (Although this year, my dear boys of Lifehouse performed on one special, making it far less substandard. I was so proud.) Toasts to the new year are made, and everyone begins to form their resolutions. The switch is always refreshing at first. Everytime you write down the date, you’re reminded that you’ve successfully completed another year. For those first few weeks, it feels like a fresh start. After that, however, adherence to those resolutions seems to slip, routines are re-established, and 2008 starts to feel just like 2007 did. This isn’t necessarily bad– it’s just what happens. We are creatures of habit. It’s comfortable to settle back into what is familiar, because that’s where we feel the most secure. Our bold plans for change start to seem like too much trouble, and that’s when we realize that January 1st is really just the day after December 31st.

I know all about those bold plans for change. As a chronic procrastinator with an eternally messy bedroom, horrid sleeping habits, and a definite lack of good nutrition, I certainly had some resolutions lined up for the new year. After returning to Purdue for the semester, I made a conscious effort for about 3 days. I drank more water, I ate salads, I went to bed before 12:30, and I took off my eye makeup so it wouldn’t smear on my towel the next day. Then a few days later, I had a Coke, ate McDonald’s, stayed up til 2 in the morning, and fell asleep in my makeup. Like I said... creatures of habit. I was disappointed at first, and then I realized that I’d been doing those things all along and was still healthy and sane. Had I failed, at least temporarily? Yes. Was it the end of the world? Nope. Then comes the critical question... Should I keep trying? The answer to that is yes.

What I’m really going for here is that personal improvement cannot occur quickly. We can’t just flip on a switch at the new year and suddenly become new people. The phrase “baby steps” comes to mind. If we’re going to change, we should work on it bit by bit until we learn to alter our habits. We should also do it because we need to do it, not just because our culture dictates that we write out a list of things to accomplish at the beginning of each year. I am aware that I need to make a few changes here and there, but in order to work on that, I need to be convinced that I need to change for my own good. Thankfully, I’m more or less convinced, and I’m starting to work on it. In the past week, I finally organized my binders. I’ve been making better to-do lists. I’ve gotten out of the apartment on some evenings and actually gotten schoolwork done. I’ve written all my commitments in my calendar. However, that’s about all I’ve done. I’m still not sleeping right, I’m not eating right, and I’m certainly not staying current with my studies. I’ve got quite a journey ahead of me, and I’ve barely started.

Yes, it’s a new year. No, I don’t feel that different. Why? Because I haven’t really tried that hard yet. However, I’ve taken stock of my life, and I’ve realized that good things are going on for me right now. Life is good, no doubt about that, but it could be better if I work on it. If I get up and take those baby steps, then maybe, just maybe, I might start feeling differently.




Side note: I hope to write more regularly now that I’ve started. Lots has been happening, from BGR news to a roadtrip to Iowa, so I certainly have things to write about. Also, watch for a “song of the week” feature every Tuesday, starting next week.