distortion and circumstance

My life is bizarre.

[I'm not even going to apologize for failing to follow through on my promise to write here more, because anyone who has ever read it knows how inconsistent I am. I'm going to stop making promises and just write when I feel like it. Sound good? Alright.]

Anyway. Let's think about this. I just packed and moved for the 4th time since May- actually, in a mere thirteen weeks. Purdue to Indianapolis. Indianapolis to Louisville. Louisville to South Bend. South Bend to Louisville.

In that time, I worked three completely different rotations- different responsibilities, different people, different cities, different states, different challenges.

In that time, I refused to give up my love of music and still managed to get to eight shows in five cities, plus a full day at Summerfest in Milwaukee for a reunion with friends from four states.

In that time, I spent nearly every weekend driving, managed to visit home more than I did in the entire school year, and even ended up in Chicago three times in seven days.

In the past few weeks, I've dealt with more than I can usually handle. I got sick over a week ago and I'm still battling it- coughing fits for days, no appetite, dizzy spells, and five pounds gone. I'm finally starting to feel better, but I feel like days of my life in the past week were just taken from me. I got more stressed than I have been in quite some time and cried more than I have in ages. And finally, I'm dealing with life's disgusting way of taunting me. I met a great guy who's intelligent, mature, and funny. A guy I was completely comfortable with and enjoyed spending time with. A guy who still wanted to spend time with me when I was sick and listened with curious amusement as I rambled about my passions. A guy I could share medically-related conversations with and not be met with a blank stare. And then I had to leave South Bend. It's so hard for me to find someone I feel that I click with, and the time I actually find him, circumstances prevent me from making it happen. I could scream at the unfairness of it, but I've been screaming at life for awhile and it hasn't done me any good, so there's not much point. I know we didn't know each other long by the time I left, but I feel there was an undeniable chemistry there. We plan to keep in touch, but I'm afraid that he'll decide I'm not worth the effort and he'll just fade away. Time will tell, but my insecurities are already taking over. The last several weeks have just been difficult to process and handle, moreso than the rest of the past few months.

What I'm getting at here is that I've completely lost my concept of time and my concept of a normal life. The month of July especially seemed to fly, and I feel like I have no idea where the time went. However, as I crossed the river back into Louisville this morning, it seems like I left it months ago, not 4 weeks ago. At that moment, I realized that it's not even possible to properly explain how displaced, confused, and blindsided I've felt since rotations started.

In short, I live a life distorted. Take normal life- a home, a job, friends, and hobbies- and dig your fingers in and smear it out like finger paint until it doesn't make sense anymore. That's how life feels these days. Things take forever and only take a second. Friends are far away, suddenly with you, and then miles apart. Happiness taps you on the shoulder then kicks you in the face and runs before you have a chance to grab onto it. Life becomes familiar just in time for it to change completely. How long can someone live this way without going insane?

I'm hoping I don't really have to find out. I'm back in Louisville, and I don't have to move anymore until rotations are over. I have a home, a stable home, for nine months now. Yes, my rotation will change every month, but I don't have to pack up my life every time it switches. I want to explore my home. I want to try things. I want to take better care of myself in the process. I want to LIVE here. I'm going to try.

Circumstances can't be changed, but distortion can be manipulated.
Let's see what happens.

back from the dead?

Hello, friends. I am a bad, bad blogger.
I wish I had taken the time to write about so many things.
Shows, trips, school, friends, everything.
So much has happened, and I didn't bother to capture it in words.
Clearly, I never even finished my 2008 recaps... but I will.
I need to keep track of my life.

Anyway, here's the deal.
I'm back.
I'm going to be writing again.

The way I see it, my life is going to be changing every single month. I'm already halfway through my first rotation, and time is flying. After this year, my life will make an even bigger change when I graduate, but we'll get to that later. This year of rotations will be an experience like none other, and it would be a shame not to document it. I've still been managing to go to a few shows, and since that opportunity won't last forever, I'd like to get back to doing show reviews too.

Updates soon. Very soon.
I'm back. I promise.

time is a runaway

Five weeks.

Five weeks from today, I will have completed the first day of my first clerkship rotation- the official start of my last year of pharmacy school, and the official end of "college" in the traditional sense. "Rotations," as we call them, have seemed so far away for so long, and now they are nearly here. This is the real world. We are still students, but after five years of textbooks and paper patients, we will finally be in actual healthcare settings. We will be thinking like pharmacists, not like students. I am terrified.

I will be moving to Louisville, Kentucky. Most of my rotations are based in that area. Aside from one month in Indianapolis and one month in South Bend, I will be living in a new state, in a true "city," for the very time.

All of a sudden, life is whipping by me at a breakneck speed, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The future is here...

...in five weeks.


Time is a runaway
Coming for you...

inauguration day

Today was a big day.

I will admit, I am not "into" politics, and I don't know as much as I should. With that being said, I did educate myself before the election, and I voted. I voted for Barack Obama. I don't agree with everything he said or everything he plans to do, but I felt the same about the other side. The country desperately needed something different, and I feel we have it now. Clearly, I'm not the only one who feels the same way. We may be right or we may be wrong, but it's up to him to prove if he can do what he says he can do. Actually, I guess it's up to all of us to see if we can do what he says we can do.

I had Critical Care class during the swearing in and presidential address, but thankfully our teacher pulled up the video feed and had it running on the screen in the background. When it got close to noon, he stopped class and let us watch. Like I said, I may not know politics, but I know history in the making when I see it. It was a beautiful moment. He is a powerful speaker, and radiates a determination and confidence which we haven't seen in some time.

Congratulations, Mr. President.
Time to show us what you've got.

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many.

They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met. On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom."

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

-President Barack Obama

recapitulate 2008: april, may, june

The series continues.
This is 2008, in four parts.
Here is Part 2.


APRIL

Drowned in a constant stream of papers, projects, exams, and BGR commitments throughout the month. Practicially lived in the BGR office. Rejoiced at the arrival of spring weather. Went to Urbana, IL to see Cavashawn, thus going to a show totally alone for the first time ever. Co-led a work site for the Boiler Blast community clean-up day. Consumed entirely too much chicken at Chik-fil-A Nugget Night. Watched two fellow BGR Supers battle to eat 50+ nugs apiece, and succeed. Was awakened by, and "survived", my first earthquake. Toured hospital pharmacies in Indianapolis. Received certification in CPR. Learned to make chocolate-covered gummi bears. Went to Butler to see We The Living play. Witnessed a child ask WTL if they were the Jonas Brothers. Borrowed a vest. Wandered downtown Indy after midnight, settled for hot wings, and drove home extremely late. Went to Rose Hulman the next day to see WTL and Cavashawn play a frat party, in a tent, in a thunderstorm. Nearly got crushed by a wasted frat boy falling off the stage, and observed Ama get burned by a cigarette. Vowed to never again see anyone play at a frat party, ever. Saw Five Times August play an acoustic set at Borders the next day. Realized I'd gone to a show three days in a row, and had not yet studied for finals. Started studying for finals. Took some finals. Struggled to retain the will to live. Eagerly awaited the evening of May 1st.

[I had my own mailbox in the office! I think I got 2 papers in it all semester...]

[Urbana. I bought the hoodie because we stood outside talking forever and I was freezing. Good selling ploy, guys.]

[Nugget night. Our group actually consumed more boxes than what is pictured here.]

[Earthquake damage. My CDs fell down! Hah. Excuse the mess.]

[Clearly the classiest group to wander around Indianapolis late at night.]

[Show at a frat party in the rain? Never again, thanks.]

[Brad from Five Times August at Borders... with giant Brad.]


MAY

Took my last final of my fourth year of college. Celebrated at the Cactus. Packed minimally and drove to Ohio with my mom to see Cavashawn in Columbus at a venue with White Castle inside. Drove to Cincinnati the next day, met up with Ama, and saw Cavashawn again at their old high school. Treated them to milkshakes afterward, thus beginning a tradition where we feed them and they are happy. Returned to Purdue to take a load of stuff home from the apartment. Went back to get another vanload. Couldn't believe how much stuff still wouldn't fit in the van. Started work at Wabash County Hospital pharmacy for the fourth summer in a row. Observed the third anniversary of seeing Lifehouse for the first time. Worked, worked, worked. Went to Ohio with Ama and my mom to see WTL and Cavashawn play a show in Columbus. Developed an appreciation for beer in order to survive a crowd of fratties and skanks. Somehow got talked into driving over to Chicago the next day to see Cavashawn. Passed the Cavashawn van on the highway and laughed. Discovered the joy of Red Hot Chili Peppers on vinyl. Realized I put 800 miles on my car that weekend. Worked. Packed. Flew back to California for the annual May LA trip/ Monica's birthday party. Had tea at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena. Saw Prince Caspian at the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood. Saw Everybody Else and We Shot the Moon at Chain Reaction in Anaheim. Pondered what bands could be playing at Monica's party. Laughed hysterically upon arrival at the party when I saw the We The Living van. Squealed internally when I saw headParade was also playing. Drank amaretto sours and accidentally insulted someone's girlfriend. Thoroughly enjoyed what was probably the best party ever. Spent too much money at Amoeba Records on Sunset. Enjoyed Jamba Juice and Swingers Diner. Went to Disneyland and had a blast. Did not want to fly home. Flew home and recovered for a day. Went to Indianapolis to see Matt Nathanson and The Spill Canvas. Crashed for a few days in total exhaustion.


["Oh, so THIS is a UDF. It looks like a gas station?" "Yeah, they sell ice cream too."]

[Oh hey Chicago. This is the weekend I put 800 miles on my car.]

[Huntington Gardens in Pasadena with Brigitte and Monica. It was raining... in LA. Go figure.]

[We Shot the Moon at Chain Reaction. The venue's sound was so loud that my teeth hurt.]

[Monica's birthday party in LA. My worlds collided and it was trippy.]

[Amoeba Records on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. A-ma-zing.]

[Hanging out with Mickey and Walt at Disneyland]

[With Matt Nathanson in Indianapolis]


JUNE

Worked for two weeks. Signed up for Twitter. Drove to Covington, KY (Cincinnati) to see Cavashawn play a show with HaHaTonka and Treaty of Paris. Fell madly in platonic music-related love with ToP, talked with them for half an hour, ran from Phil's digital camera videoing, and vowed to see them again. Drove home that night and went to work the next day on two hours of sleep. Went up to northern Michigan for the wedding of a good high school friend who happened to be a junior high boyfriend. Worked. Packed. Flew to Las Vegas with the fam for my Aunt Val's wedding. Marveled at the excessive and enormous nature of Vegas. Wandered hotels up and down the strip and were total tourists. Watched the Bellagio fountains for ages. Saw a Cirque du Soleil show (Mystere) and geeked out like the circus freak I am. Vowed to only play nickel slots, won 18 dollars, and lost it all. Ate too much food. Spent too much money. Flew home. Unpacked, repacked. Went to three days of the Summerfest music festival in Milwaukee with Ama and Devon and had more fun than we thought possible. Stayed in the most hideous Motel 6 ever. Promoted Cavashawn to strangers all over the Summerfest grounds. Took up residence at the Chipotle Rhythm Kitchen Stage and grew accustomed to seeing the same few bands wandering the area every day. Spent far too much money on admission, parking, and beer. Survived daily monsoon-like thunderstorms. Saw two rainbows. Hid from the rain on the stage with Ari Herstand and others, recognized Chelsey from a Treaty of Paris video blog, and bonded over band stories. Played with Ari's insane hair. Finally met Addy. Saw or heard so many bands. Saw Jack's Mannequin for the first time! Drank wine in the motel from plastic cups. Headed to Illinois from Milwaukee for a Lifehouse show, only to find out the day of the show that it was canceled. Cursed our luck and Jason's health, drove to my aunt's house instead, and slept all day. Realized we were going to another show on July 1st, then leaving 2 days later for a Lifehouse roadtrip. Laughed. Went back to sleep, because it was the last we'd be getting for awhile.


[First Treaty of Paris show! Also Nick Fonzi's first show as a ToP member. Cute.]

[Peru High School alumni at David and Melissa's wedding in Traverse City]

[Fountain of Bellagio in Las Vegas. I could have watched these all day, every day.]

[This would have been better if I'd been wearing a Treaty of Paris shirt. Oh well.]

[SUMMERFEST 2008! Get your smile on.]

[Probably the coolest group of people you'll ever be lucky enough to meet]

[Hiding from the rain, on the stage... next to pile of electrical cords in a puddle. COOL!]

[Summerfest warriors]

[Our Rhythm Kitchen Stage home, complete with nice trees. I really miss this place.]


Half done, half to go...
I'm not sure when I'll be able to get the rest done.
They'll be coming soon(ish).

recapitulate 2008: january, february, march

2008 was an interesting year.
I learned, I listened, I talked, I traveled.
I made friends, I lost friends, I realized what a friend is and is not.
I saw (at least) 48 bands I had never seen before.
I hurt and I healed, but the former tended to win out.
I grew so much, but saw how far I still have to go.

This is 2008, in four parts. Here is Part 1.


JANUARY

Rang in the new year with some old high school friends (and some strangers) by playing Guitar Hero in old prom dresses. Looked foward to a new semester of school and hoped it would better than the previous. Was rapidly disappointed. Started writing in this blog. Sort of started dating someone, but didn't have an official "title" for it. Celebrated Ama's 21st birthday. Experienced my one and only hangover. Started BGR Supervisor duties in earnest and realized there was no time for the dance company. Decided to sit out of the dance company. Came down with a terrible cold and lost my voice. Went to see We The Living in Terre Haute. Went to Iowa (!) the next day with Ama to surprise WTL, succeeded, froze to death, posed with a merch mannequin, and got yelled at for taking pictures in Walmart. Realized we could never surprise them again because if you show up in Iowa, you'll show up anywhere. Needed a reason to stop dating someone because it just wasn't working out. Was handed a reason on a silver platter. Stopped dating someone. Realized that being a BGR supervisor was going to be excellent and also insanely time-consuming. Started spending too much time hanging out in the BGR office. Loathed pharmacy school at times, battled with resulting winter blues.

[New Year's Eve]

[Terre Haute, at The Verve.]

[This is Manny.]

[Iowa Walmart, 2 a.m.]



FEBRUARY

Drowned in homework and tests. Spent the evening of Valentine's Day taking a pharmacokinetics exam, and hanging out alone. Ran around the Union and Stewart Center in costumes for one of many comfort-zone-pushing BGR assignments. Got the list of BGR Team Leaders I would be responsible for supervising and training until August. Had to miss a We The Living concert in Lafayette due to BGR training, but housed them for the night anyway. Discovered the hilarity of finding five unconscious band dudes plus all their stuff in my living room. Discovered how dirty a shower can become after five guys use it. Continued to drown in schoolwork and emotional distress. Continued to spend too much time hanging out in the BGR office. Learned a fun line dance for BGR and broke it out when bored. Started a message board for We The Living. Found out Stefan was leaving WTL. Found out Jeremy was joining WTL. Met my Team Leaders for BGR and did a good job pretending I wasn't terrified to have so much responsibility. Prepared for and carried out the BGR Team Leader retreat and discovered just how cool it was to finally be the ones doing the training. Saw Ben Folds on February 29th (leap years are fun). Was directed by Ben Folds to sing the background of "Not The Same" in 3-part disharmony with 5000 other people in the auditorium. Realized I had forgotten was a big concert/show felt like.

[The things we do for BGR.]

[Who let these hooligans in?]

[The 'Bama Slide. We got pretty good at this.]

[Travis and I with our Team Leaders and the Neil and Amelia mural!]



MARCH

Flew to Los Angeles for spring break to visit a friend in Pasadena for a week. Flights were delayed and almost missed Matt Nathanson and Lifehouse at The Wiltern, but made it just in time. Met California Lifehouse fans. Enjoyed the culinary delight that is macaroni and cheese from Swingers Diner in Hollywood. Didn't have a suitcase for a day and a half. Went to Pirates Dinner Adventure for the third time. Went to two Lakers games and saw Jack Nicholson and Nick Lachey. Went to Universal Studios. Flew home with great sadness. Went to Milwaukee with Ama in a blizzard to see Lifehouse, only to find the day of the show that it was canceled because Jason was in the hospital... in Michigan. Hated life and moped in the hotel until we saw Cavashawn was playing in Chicago that night. Made up a story for the front desk and was allowed to leave without extra fines. Went to Chicago and saw Cavashawn for the first time. Fell in platonic music-related love. Laughed because we "really don't need this" but knew we did. Had no idea that it was the beginning of a love affair with Chicago. Went to see Cavashawn and WTL in Cincinnati and had entirely too much fun. Experienced Skyline Chili for the first time. Got a phone call from WTL two days later because they were playing a last-minute show at a Purdue frat. Sold merch for the first time and felt like I was in my element. Experienced a minor heartbreak. Still stayed busy with BGR, still spent too much time in the office, still loathed pharmacy school at times, eagerly awaited proper spring weather.

[California Lifehouse fans. Nice to finally meet people you've talked to for years!]

[L-L-Lakers]

[The Siiimpsoooons]

[After a long and awesome day at Universal Studios]

[First meeting with Cavashawn. Oh fateful day. Little did we know...]

[Hey there, Cinicinnati. View from the hotel across the river in Covington]

[The Cavashawn/WTL show in Cincinnati. Fun night...]

[The crowd at the We The Living show at ATO at Purdue]


More to come in the next few days. Stay tuned.

sneezing pandas + 2008 recap in the works

The title says it all.



I love this poor guy. Note the way his legs flop over in exhaustion at the end.




Darn kids. Always freaking out their mothers.


Anyway, I'm working on an end-of-the-year blog right now, inspired by this blog from Mr. Dan Wade. It's taking me forever, so I may break it into 4 chunks of 3 months apiece. We shall see. I might even get the first bit up later tonight. I know you just can't wait.