distortion and circumstance

My life is bizarre.

[I'm not even going to apologize for failing to follow through on my promise to write here more, because anyone who has ever read it knows how inconsistent I am. I'm going to stop making promises and just write when I feel like it. Sound good? Alright.]

Anyway. Let's think about this. I just packed and moved for the 4th time since May- actually, in a mere thirteen weeks. Purdue to Indianapolis. Indianapolis to Louisville. Louisville to South Bend. South Bend to Louisville.

In that time, I worked three completely different rotations- different responsibilities, different people, different cities, different states, different challenges.

In that time, I refused to give up my love of music and still managed to get to eight shows in five cities, plus a full day at Summerfest in Milwaukee for a reunion with friends from four states.

In that time, I spent nearly every weekend driving, managed to visit home more than I did in the entire school year, and even ended up in Chicago three times in seven days.

In the past few weeks, I've dealt with more than I can usually handle. I got sick over a week ago and I'm still battling it- coughing fits for days, no appetite, dizzy spells, and five pounds gone. I'm finally starting to feel better, but I feel like days of my life in the past week were just taken from me. I got more stressed than I have been in quite some time and cried more than I have in ages. And finally, I'm dealing with life's disgusting way of taunting me. I met a great guy who's intelligent, mature, and funny. A guy I was completely comfortable with and enjoyed spending time with. A guy who still wanted to spend time with me when I was sick and listened with curious amusement as I rambled about my passions. A guy I could share medically-related conversations with and not be met with a blank stare. And then I had to leave South Bend. It's so hard for me to find someone I feel that I click with, and the time I actually find him, circumstances prevent me from making it happen. I could scream at the unfairness of it, but I've been screaming at life for awhile and it hasn't done me any good, so there's not much point. I know we didn't know each other long by the time I left, but I feel there was an undeniable chemistry there. We plan to keep in touch, but I'm afraid that he'll decide I'm not worth the effort and he'll just fade away. Time will tell, but my insecurities are already taking over. The last several weeks have just been difficult to process and handle, moreso than the rest of the past few months.

What I'm getting at here is that I've completely lost my concept of time and my concept of a normal life. The month of July especially seemed to fly, and I feel like I have no idea where the time went. However, as I crossed the river back into Louisville this morning, it seems like I left it months ago, not 4 weeks ago. At that moment, I realized that it's not even possible to properly explain how displaced, confused, and blindsided I've felt since rotations started.

In short, I live a life distorted. Take normal life- a home, a job, friends, and hobbies- and dig your fingers in and smear it out like finger paint until it doesn't make sense anymore. That's how life feels these days. Things take forever and only take a second. Friends are far away, suddenly with you, and then miles apart. Happiness taps you on the shoulder then kicks you in the face and runs before you have a chance to grab onto it. Life becomes familiar just in time for it to change completely. How long can someone live this way without going insane?

I'm hoping I don't really have to find out. I'm back in Louisville, and I don't have to move anymore until rotations are over. I have a home, a stable home, for nine months now. Yes, my rotation will change every month, but I don't have to pack up my life every time it switches. I want to explore my home. I want to try things. I want to take better care of myself in the process. I want to LIVE here. I'm going to try.

Circumstances can't be changed, but distortion can be manipulated.
Let's see what happens.