this could be different

I know that when I started this blog, I had the intention to NEVER post about negative feelings, emotional breakdowns, or general sadness. (That's why I abandoned my old blog... because that's all it became.) Up until this point, I've stuck to concert recaps, photos, or amusing occurrences. If you didn't know me, you'd think that life was peachy, and that I was always doing just fine.

However, life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, and I'm certainly not fine.

To anyone I've talked to in the past few months, it will come as no surprise to you that this semester has not been easy for me. Well, college in general hasn't exactly been a picnic, but something about this year has been particularly bad. I started the semester exhausted, as always, from my involvement in Purdue's freshmen orientation program. I love it and wouldn't have changed that for anything, but it's certainly hard to get energized for classes when you've spent a week getting an average of 2-3 hours of sleep per night. The first few weeks of school were okay, but shortly after that, something snapped in me, and it hasn't been mended completely since then.

The expectations of pharmacy school are reasonable; it's a difficult field of study and we all know this. I also know there is a reason that in 2006, we made it past 900+ other applicants to become the 160 students of the 2010 Doctor of Pharmacy class, and that we should be able to handle it. Unfortunately, I've never felt all that adept at "handling it." You wouldn't know it from my grades (they're good), but I am perpetually stressed, anxious, and convinced that I don't know anything. This is nothing new, I've felt this way all through college, but for some reason it seems to have been taking much more of a toll on me lately. I don't know what exactly it is about this year-- maybe it's because we've moved into our 5th straight year of difficult coursework-- but several of us have started to lose it. At one point, starting in the third week or so of class, I became angry at everyone and everything all the time. This lasted until just a few weeks ago. I was hating pharmacy school so much that it actually led me to hate pharmacy, and that was truly terrifying. Nothing screams "crisis" like an abrupt questioning of your future. When you combine this with my strong love of music and wish to be involved in that industry, I had a scary couple of days when I was wondering if I had made a huge mistake and spent 5 years in the wrong major. Thankfully I realized that I still really want to do this, and it's going to be an amazing career. Unfortunately, the path we have to take is a bumpy one, and I can be fairly honest in saying that I do not like pharmacy school. I'm making it through just fine, and I'm learning everything I need to, but I will be ecstatic when this May arrives and we start our experiential rotations. I'm desperate to leave the classroom and actually USE what they're teaching me, and I just have to find a way to survive what's left before then. Key word- survive. That's all you can do sometimes.

Of course, there's more to life than class, and that's been messy too. I'm not really sure where to start there. I really don't want to launch into a tirade about being single, so I'm not going to, but I can calmly summarize the frustration. I'm not one of those people who feels like she has to be with someone all the time in order to feel complete. That's a good thing, because, um... I'm basically NEVER with someone. I've spent so much time questioning why this is, and I can never come to a reasonable conclusion. It wears you down, trying to figure out time and time again just what is so awful and horrible and undesirable about you. I know so many interesting, smart, and funny girls who are beautiful inside and out... and still single. And still wondering where in the hell our male counterparts are. It's a mystery that none of us can solve. In addition, I've been stuck on the same person for quite some time now (which he now knows, because I finally told him a few months ago) and I'm constantly reminded how it's not ever going to happen. It hurts pretty much all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it, and that's all I'll devote to that subject for now.

This weekend has not been a good one, and I've cried at least once all three nights. That brings us to another issue in the "not fine" saga: friends. For some reason, a lot of things came to the surface this weekend that really bothered me. The first is an ongoing respect issue. Yes, friends frequently make fun of each other. However, sometimes it goes too far, especially when politics and other sensitive issues are involved. I spent quite some time on Friday trying to resolve a respect issue between friends, and ended up being disrepected in the process. That can be a really sore spot for me, because I spent years of my life being mocked, cut down, and verbally abused by people who were supposed to be friends. I thought that people grew out of such things in their early twenties, but no such luck. Also, a situation occurred where my solid attempts at being a better friend were totally ignored. There are times when I do not want to be with people or go out and do things, and this is a mystery to people. This is just the way I am, and some friends flatly refuse to accept it. I've really been trying this year though, and apparently that wasn't good enough for some, because I found myself being yelled at yet again. I adore my friends here and couldn't live without them, but there are times when some of them simply do not understand certain things about me. This isn't a failing, or anything against them whatsoever; it's just the way it is. Unfortunately, some of the people who truly understand me (ALL of me) live miles, even states, away. It's really hard when there is no way to hug some of your best friends when you need them, and haven't seem them in months or even years.

This leads to a major underlying issue that I haven't been entirely willing to admit. I'm lonely. I'm lonely on a campus of 38,000 students, I'm lonely when I'm out with my friends, I'm lonely in my own apartment. Especially today... apparently, I have become a stranger in my own residence. We've had a number of empty collage frames intended for photos of us with our friends, but hadn't filled them with photos. This evening, I came out of my room and was happily informed by one of my roommates that they were done. I took a look... and found I was in ONE picture. One. I'm not sure which is worse... if they honestly didn't realize they almost left me entirely out of our living room decor, or if they realized it and didn't care. Hmm, to be invisible, or to be shunned. Pick your poison. Is it childish of me to be upset by that? Maybe. However, it did absolutely nothing to help that nagging fear I always have that no one really cares that much about me.

It's just been a highly frustrating year, because every time I feel like I'm climbing out of the hole I'm in, something drags me back down again. I'm tired of clinging to the edge day after day after day. More often than not, I'm stressed, unhappy, and lonely. I'm frequently misunderstood, mocked, and brushed aside. You want to know the funny part? This is nothing new. Welcome to my life, it's been this way for awhile. I've been desperate for change, but no one seems to have any to spare. So where am I going with this? Absolutely nowhere. I don't have a life lesson. I don't have a conclusion. All this leaves you with is a better idea of what's under the surface of my life. I can be happy, I can be completely fine, but the majority of the time, that is not the case. Call me an iceberg- there's a lot that no one sees under the surface, and this blog only provided a small glimpse of what's hiding out of sight.

I never said it was pretty- it isn't.
I never said you had to like it- I know I don't.
If I had the power to make it different- I would.

But right now? This is the way it is.
I'll leave you with a song (and video) I completely adore for times like these. This band doesn't exist anymore, but it's one of my favorite songs, and tonight, I need it.

Acceptance - "Different"


Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on like it's all I have.
Count me out when it's clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you'll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I'll know what to say,
It's fine, this isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

I'm taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.
Taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Something that's different
(Something that's different)

all was quiet, until...

Meesh785 (8:06:09 PM): what would you title a video about 4 girls flailing down the street in an epic orchestral fashion?

erain821 (8:06:17 PM): hahahaha

erain821 (8:06:19 PM): ...

"Untitled #1"

[Music by Judgement Day, who opened for Margot and the Nuclear So and So's on Friday night. Please check them out, as they were quite amazing.]

it started feeling like october...

[Indiana Highway 25, October evening]

Thank you, Jack's Mannequin, for providing an applicable song lyric for life and the title of this entry (from Annie Use Your Telescope, one of my favorites from the new album). It has indeed started feeling like October, because, well... it IS. I'm not sure how this month got here so fast, or how it's already almost the middle of the month. I'm currently at home in Peru for Fall Break, which also means we're almost halfway through the semester. We have Monday and Tuesday off, so I'm here relaxing and doing schoolwork until Tuesday sometime. It's good to be home for a little while.

Friday, I left my apartment a little after 5:30 and drove through Starbucks to get a Caramel Apple Spice. I decided to put my Jessie Baylin CD in the player once I hit Highway 25, and proceeded to have one of the nicest drives home I have ever experienced. The aforementioned beverage just screams Autumn, and Jessie has the kind of music that evokes calmness and nostalgia. She has kind of an "old-style" voice, mellow tunes, and a slight tinge of country that is perfect for driving through the trees and fields of rural Indiana. The sun was behind me and had that beautiful golden quality you only find in early mornings and evenings. It lit up all the trees which were changing color along the road and made for some gorgeous scenery. (And yes, I do drive with my camera next to me. I took the above picture while driving. I'm so safe.) It was just a truly nice, relaxing, lovely drive.


When I hit Delphi, a big line of cars was stopped at the railroad crossing. For lack of anything else to do while I waited, I read my Starbucks cup. I don't know what exactly it was about that cup (I think the nostalgia factor of the music and the drive may have been involved), but I had a sudden flashback to early in my freshman year at Purdue. Prior to college, I think I'd gone to a Starbucks twice. However, in the first hot weeks of school back in 2004, I developed a love of caramel frappucinos. On Fridays, I would always get one from the Starbucks in the Union and would take it by the fountain on the Engineering Mall. I would always sit on the little wall that circles the area and lean against one of the short pillars there while I downed the frappucino and studied for the Econ quizzes I always had on Fridays. I was still so afraid of college in those days. I was slowly developing my routines, but I felt shy, awkward, and unsure of myself amidst the 38,000 students on campus and had no idea if I could handle what was ahead of me.

As it turns out, apparently I could handle it. I was accepted into pharmacy school, I'm in my fifth year out of six (!) and still seem to be doing well, I have a solid group of wonderful friends, I have developed interests that were never on my radar before, I know what is important to me... and I visit Starbucks at least twice a week. I tried to remember my first Fall Break, and all I can recall is that my mom had to come pick me up from the dorm and take me home. Those days of freshman year dorm life seem so far away- no car, limited privacy, shared bathrooms. These days, it's hard to imagine anything other than quiet apartment life and the ability to pick up and drive my car somewhere whenever I want.


Speaking of driving... the Jessie Baylin CD finished up as I made the turn from 25 onto 24, so I put in Jack's Mannequin. As I made the turn off of 24 into Peru, I rolled down the window and turned up "Miss California." I always seem to crank a song nobody in the town will know as I come back to it. It's not really an intentional thing, but it may be in some sort of subconscious defiance to the past. I never would have guessed in those days that I'd become the music-obsessed, roadtripping, Los Angeles/Chicago-loving lunatic that I am these days. Thankfully, we surprise ourselves, and I'm so glad that's what I am. With that being said, it's still nice to have some familiarity of the past. My friend Avriel, who lived just down the street from me all our lives, was also home this weekend. From first grade and on, we basically grew up together and were like sisters. (Fought like it too, but that's to be expected.) Her family was having a little campfire in the backyard, so they invited me over and we spent some time talking and making s'mores.


After awhile, Avriel and I went on a walk and talked, which is something we've done for years. Nighttime walks were a staple, especially when something was bothering one of us. It's good to know that you can still come back, even in your fifth year of being gone, and take that same familiar walk in a loop down 6th Street and back along 5th, and know you can probably cross Main Street even when the light is red because there aren't many cars at that time of night.

Some things change, and they should.
Some things never change, and they shouldn't have to.
Leaves change color and fall, but the trunks and branches remain.

It started feeling like October...
And I'm home.
But not for long.