small town police reports

Anyone who grew up in a small-to-medium Midwestern town is likely to tell you that there are certain advantages and disadvantages of living in said small towns. In my case, despite a population of 13,000, we lack a Walmart and a Starbucks. Disadvantage. However, the quirks of small town life can be great. For instance, we have a sweet youth circus I was a part of for five years. Advantage. The perks and pitfalls are all a matter of perspective. For instance, a great deal of amusement can be obtained from the sheer ridiculousness of a town's residents. Some people are disgusted. I just laugh. Case in point?

The weekend police reports.

Hi-lar-i-ous. I hadn't read our paper in awhile, but I was scanning Monday's edition and my eyes landed on the police reports from Friday through Sunday. I felt I had to share some of them. The following reports are taken word-for-word from the Monday, June 9th edition of the Peru Tribune.


Friday, June 6th

*At 4:40 p.m. a caller from the 600 block of West Main Street told the PPD cars were driving on the sidewalk. [This is MAIN Street. It's a main street. Cars... on... the sidewalk.]

*At 5:06 p.m. a caller from the 200 block of East Eighth Street told the PPD a male left some stuff in his yard. [What exactly is "stuff"? A dirty sock? A bag of trash? A mobile meth lab?]


Saturday, June 7th

*At 4:47 a.m. a caller from Warren and Armstrong told the PPD there was a drunk subject outside with a chainsaw. [I have no words for this.]

*At 6:49 a.m. a caller from the 11900 block of South 100 West told the MSCO there was a calf in the road. [There are at least 3 reports like this every day.]

*At 10:59 a.m. a caller from the 500 block of Jefferson told the PPD there was a dying raccoon in her yard. [I'm sorry officer, could you hit it with a shovel or something?]

*At 11:09 a.m. a caller from the first block of West Franklin told the PPD someone took a chainsaw and cut his picnic table in half. [This seemed like too much of a coincidence, so I figured our friend from 4:47 a.m. was involved. I wasn't familiar with those streets so I consulted Yahoo Maps. The red dot is the intersection of Warren and Armstrong. The blue line is the first block of West Franklin. Pretty much right next door. Gotcha, drunk chainsaw guy. Gotcha.]


Sunday, June 8th

*At 10:44 a.m. a caller from the 300 block of West Sixth Street told the PPD she found a snake in her bushes and she thought it was suspicious because she never saw a snake there before. [That cannot possibly be real. Then again, not too many crank calls occur before noon on a Sunday. Ohhh dear.]

*At 1:28 a.m. a caller from the 400 block of South Yorick told the MCSO she found two homemade bombs in her yard. [I weep for my city.]


So, there you have it. If you like drunken chainsaw picnic table massacres, cows in the road, dying raccoons, snakes, and cars on the sidewalk, then spend your next weekend in Peru, Indiana. We've got all that... and more.