three years later

Three years ago today was a major turning point in my life.
On May 7^th, 2005, I saw Lifehouse live for the first time.

What? A concert? Big deal, you’re thinking.
Actually, it’s a huge deal. Beyond huge.
If that concert, and the events that followed, had not happened…
I cannot begin to fathom how different things would be.

Allow me to explain.
Some know the whole story.
Most don’t.
Here’s [the short novel of] how Lifehouse changed my life.

I can still remember the first few times I heard “Hanging by a Moment” on the radio in my freshman year of high school. I had no idea who sang it, but I knew I loved it. Finally I caught the music video on VH1 one day, and discovered that the name of the band was Lifehouse. I got their album No Name Face and quickly fell in love with it. Over time, it became my favorite CD, and some of the songs had a huge impact on me in high school. I can clearly recall sitting slumped against the wall of the dining room where the stereo was, crying, on a night home alone, as I truly heard and understood the lyrics to “Simon” for the first time. Some of my friends hurt me so much in those days, and everything I felt, every insult and twist of my words and stab in the back from the people around me, and all the pain it caused me, was summed up in one amazing song. I listened to it repeatedly that night, amazed at how he managed to be pulling the words right out of my head. As high school went on, things got better for me and I didn’t have nights like that very often. I recall buying the second album, Stanely Climbfall, shortly after it came out, but I think I always favored the first album then. I really enjoyed listening to music, and it was a major pastime, but the thought of seeing my favorite bands live never really crossed my mind. I didn’t even ponder the concept of keeping up with bands online. When asked about my favorite albums in the next several years, No Name Face always topped the list, but “Lifehouse” existed as a sort of vague entity in my head. If only I knew how much that would change.

Fast forward to the end of my freshman year of college. I still listened to Lifehouse, but hadn’t given a lot of thought to what they’d been up to. One day I noticed they had a new album out, so I went out and got it. Then I started doing a little online research, and realized there was a new bass player, and that the band’s future had been questionable for awhile. All of this was a surprise to me, because like I said, I never really kept track of bands in those days. One night, my friend Whitney and I were sitting in my dorm room, listening to the new album, when we decided it would be really awesome to see the band play live. We checked tour dates and settled on a show in Cleveland a few days after our last final, and decided to make a little celebratory roadtrip out of it. The show was at the House of Blues, and was only the second concert I’d ever gone to (Guster was the first). From the moment the curtain opened and they began to play Breathing, they had me hook, line, and sinker. I was in awe the entire show. Jason was sick and I didn’t even notice, the music was simply amazing and I couldn’t believe I had never taken the time to go to a show before. They blew me away and blew my mind and completely cemented their place as my favorite band.

When I got home the next day, I was looking around online for fan communities, and came across a message board at lifehousefans.com. The people there were talking about the Cleveland show, and I was a little intimidated because everyone seemed to know each other. I tentatively joined and began to post, and began to absorb as much information about the band as I possibly could. I started developing an online friendship with several of the people in the community, and before long, I was talking to some of them on AIM on a nightly basis. I started to realize just how much in common I had with these people, and all the while my love for the band and the music was growing. Some of us planned a big trip for Labor Day weekend, and I could not wait.

Over the summer and as I returned to Purdue in the fall, my undying love for this band baffled my family and friends. When I talked about how two girls I’d never met in person were coming to pick me up for a 3-show roadtrip with even more fans I’d never met in person, my friends all but threatened to disown me. As it turns out, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I met the band for the first time after the first show of that trip, and was amazed by how friendly and down-to-earth they were. The next night, September 3^rd, the show was in Madison, Wisconsin. That show still stands out to many of us as one of the greatest of all the shows we’ve seen. It was my first time in the front row, I was surrounded by new friends and devoted fans, and we were treated to a shining reminder of how much the band loves their fans. Since so many fans were meeting from all over for this show, Jason had previously agreed to play the song Simon, which at the time they had not played in years (and wouldn’t play again until nearly two years later), since it meant to much to all the fans. As they played that song, there was not a dry eye in the front rows. We undoubtedly looked like complete fools, but it simply meant so much that they would do that for us. If I wasn’t hooked before, I was hooked then. Their music and shows sustained me from then on out through a very difficult school year. I recognize now that at times I devoted too much energy into keeping track of them, posting on message boards, and the like. But at the time, it kept me sane, and I am grateful to them for that.

Sometime in the spring of 2006, they started calling me by my nickname. I can’t describe how crazy it was the first time I was greeted by a “Hey Meesh!” after a show without any prompting. As time went on, I realized that by giving them respect and acting normal, we got respect in return. The more shows I went to, the more this respect grew. Throughout the years, their talent has grown as well. The shows have been major points of happiness for me in the past three years, and all the roadtrips are some of my fondest memories. The 14 hour drive to Virginia, baking in the heat all day in North Carolina, accidentally making Bryce freak out onstage in Missouri, hearing Broken live for the first time in Ohio the night before a final exam, winning a $20 bet with Bryce in Michigan, almost getting hit in the face by Jason’s guitar in Indiana, almost beating up a woman in Georgia, playing Uno for six hours in line in Kentucky, making faces at Ben in every city… the memories just go on and on. With 22 shows in 11 states now under my belt, I’m one of the people that they treat a little differently. They ask about our lives, they ask our opinions on song changes, light shows, and setlist order. This means the world to me, more than I can describe. Yes, they are ultimately just regular guys, only human. But they are also well-respected, famous, multi-platinum musicians, and when they ask me what I think about a new song, or walk past a group of waiting people to give me a hug… I’m allowed to enjoy that.

However, it isn’t just about the band and the music. The friends I have made as a result of all of this are beyond incredible, and mean more to me than any band member ever will. There is a closeness with some of these people that I never felt with anyone else. I think we were all drawn to the music for similar reasons, and that allowed us to connect. I simply don’t know what I would do without these girls (and boy) in my life the past few years. They are like family, we depend on each other, we support each other, and we love each other. Most of all, we understand each other when no one else does. It boggles my mind to think of all the amazing people who would be missing from my life if Lifehouse had not become a part of it. I truly owe them for some of my very best friends.

In addition, my appreciation for their live shows encouraged me to attend other live shows as well. My love for music and concerts grew as I branched out, and became an absolutely huge portion of my life and my happiness. I don’t believe I ever would have developed my love of concerts, new music, and music promotion, if it wasn’t for Lifehouse. They were the catalyst for what is now my biggest passion. I feel I am defined by this passion in the minds of many people, and it really is who I have become. Pharmacy will be my profession, but music will likely always be the love that sustains me. That is not who I was before. It is, without a doubt, who I am now.

Of course, things change a little over time. I’m no longer a main presence on the message boards. The Lifehousefans.com board went down last summer and never came back, and I never got used to posting as much on our replacement board. Over time, some older fans drifted away and newer ones drifted in to take their places. I used to be one of the first to know the new news, but I just don’t have the time to devote to it anymore. I still love them as much as ever, but the outward manifestations of that aren’t as obvious these days. I haven’t seen a show in our usual style since October (and a show in Los Angeles in March from the back of the room, but that’s not the same at all). The tour dates just didn’t fall in places or times where I could go.

Things have been a little different from the band standpoint as well. Jason got really sick earlier this spring, and everything has been just a little bit off since then. The setlists, which had already become pretty short by comparative standards, got even shorter. I’ve been told they rarely if ever come out to talk. Some supposed nonsense with an idiot fan girl spreading rumors and causing drama at a show a few weeks ago apparently either ticked off or freaked out Jason enough that he won’t even think of coming out to talk right now. Needless to say, all this is a little disconcerting. We’ve always been afraid that someday, some of the things that make them so special would start to disappear. I can’t say for sure that it’s happening, and I’d hate to accuse them of not caring, so that’s not what I’m trying to do. I think they’re all just a little thrown off right now, and we’re hoping the couple weeks of rest they have coming up will set everything back on track. Only time will tell.

Last night it was after midnight, and I couldn’t sleep. I went to look at my phone to see what time it was, and noticed the date of 5/7. In an instant, so many memories came flooding back, as well as all my concerns about the changes lately. I was suddenly hit by this intense longing to see them, the way that made me fall in love with them, with the line-waiting and the front row and the long setlist and the special after-show moments. Those feelings don’t happen to me very often, where I want something so bad that it almost hurts, but at that moment, it completely overtook me. I suppose I haven’t given them as much thought recently as I used to—the energy I’ve had left to devote to music has been wrapped up in the independent bands I support. When I actually took a second to think, I realized just how much I miss them and their music and all those experiences. I don’t know if they’ve changed for good, but ultimately I have no control over it and I will still love them regardless. Their shows still make me happier than I can properly describe. I can’t let the concerns of the present cloud everything wonderful that has happened. My life is infinitely more amazing because of them. Their music helped me through terrible times in high school, before I ever even saw them. Once I started to see them live, those shows helped me through terrible times in college. They led me to meet the people I count among my very best friends. They sparked something in me, something that has grown and flourished, this passion for music that has become the core of my happiness.

So thank you to Jason, Rick, Bryce, and Ben.
Thank you to Winnie, Ean, and the rest of the crew over time.
Thank you to my friends who share my passion and understand me.
All of you know exactly who you are. (Lifeho love for life.)
I don’t know where I’d be without all of you.

May 7^th, 2005, wasn’t just another day.
It changed my life.
And ultimately?
It changed me.

For that, I am eternally grateful.
For that, I will always love them.
For that, this will never, ever get old.
This is what I do.

[June 5, 2006]

I’ve seen enough
And it’s never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Take me away...